Response to "Leaving Fairyland" by Nicole Acree

I liked that your story had a very clear and discernible point.  It's lamenting the loss of a childhood friend how ultimately people grow apart and can become very different.  There's also some very honest self-analysis that I think really work and shows a lot of self-insight and growth.  The story is obviously a memoir that covers the entirety of your relationship with Ivy and a lot of your relationship with your first boyfriend in college. 

I liked the fairytale elements that you used throughout the story.  I think it definitely made it your own and it was interesting to see you continue to tie it in as you get older.  I also think we all have that feeling of nostalgia for when we think about the people we grew up with and are sad when we think about the way our relationships have changed.  Personally I can relate a lot to this as can almost everyone I’m sure.  Your relationship with Ivy is also interesting because you guys have such an animosity between you and I think that’s a rare way for things to turn out.  The descriptions of playing in the woods were nicely done and made me think a lot about playing with my friends when we were little.

As far as criticisms I’m not sure if this should be longer or shorter but I think it needs to be one of the two.  You cover a lot of time in your life very quickly and I think some parts either need to be expanded or you need to cut it shorter somewhere.  I think it would probably be better if it was longer because all of the stuff about Ivy and your ex-boyfriend is honestly shocking.  Maybe include some more information about the way your parents and you dealt with all this and how the relationships between your mothers turned out.  Also I was curious about what happened with your second boyfriend.  Personally, it’s also super sad and I guess was hoping for something good to happen at the end but I guess that isn’t necessarily part of nonfiction.   

All in all your story is very affecting and done very well.   

Response to "Moving Forward" by Megan Matthews

I really enjoyed your story.  The main point seems to be that no matter who a person seems to be they will always be missed by their family members.  I would also say that the memoir serves to examine the multiple sides of a family member and the different perspectives that there are. 

Part of what I most liked about your story was how big your family seemed.  I come from a small family so having a window into a different type was pretty interesting for me.  I loved the beginning when you were describing the room with your grandfather and all of your relatives around him.  I thought the personal stories about all of them were very interesting and made your family seem very authentic.  I also thought the progression of your grandfather moving from being immobile to mobile to immobile was interesting because it showed a change within him.  I thought the multiple perspectives you used to frame him were also very good because it made him multidimensional: he was mean to his wife, but nice to you, and even meaner when he was a younger man. 

I don’t have too much in the way of criticism other than maybe include more stuff about your other family members and the dynamic between them and your grandfather.  All of that was really interesting in the beginning of your story and I think those people should be incorporated more throughout.  I think maybe showing how something like Christmas turned out, especially once it became clear that he was in poor health would do it.  Overall you did a really good job and made an often written about subject your own.  Again I really enjoyed it.      

Response to "Shark Bait" by Rachel George

The point of this essay was to highlight misconceptions about sharks but the point/revelation at the end could be applied to a lot of things.  Also sharks are awesome.  And that comes across in a lot of the descriptions of them so I think another theme of this story is nature and how beautiful it can be.  A minor point is also that anytime we enter the "wild" we are guests and have to understand that their can be real consequences.

There were a lot of things about your essay that I really enjoyed.  The first was how interesting all the parts were once you started diving with the sharks.  The descriptions were so real and detailed that it made it seem very authentic as well as exciting.  I liked when you described the reef sharks as "grey wedding gowns" and "silver silk".  I also thought the parts where you described flipping the nurse sharks lent a lot of authenticity to your story because it's something I don't think most people would know (including me) or have tried.  I thought tying Jaws into the story was good and served as a good segway into your conclusion/main point.

I did feel like the Jaws introduction was a little bit cliche and I was definitely more interested in the stories about you swimming with sharks.  There were also a few parts that confused me a little bit and took a little reading for me to get my bearings.  In the paragraph that starts with "These Villains..." I'm unsure if you're describing the sharks or the people who make the shows and movies about them.  Also when you transition into talking about the first dive I didn't immediately realize that you weren't watching something on Shark Week.  I felt like the shark suit itself could use a little more description: like what actually looked like Igor, all I could think of was his hump switching sides. 

I really enjoyed your essay though, it was really well done and very captivating.  Also Young Frankenstein is awesome. 

Response to "That Rung" by Dana Bisset

The point of this essay was to examine the way that people change and how that can make a person look at themself.  The author seems torn between a nostalgic fondness for her roommate and the allure of the real world.  There is also a lot of criticism/commentary about the way women and specifically sorority girls act. 

I liked that your essay was so personal.  It's obvious that you feel strongly for your roommate and I think that is something everyone can empathize with.  I also liked the idea of a changing friendship because everyone loses friends and being stuck with someone you dislike is part of college for a lot of people which makes it believable for me.  I also liked when you explored a significant other who has changed another person in a way that is visible from an outside perspective.  There were some really funny parts of your essay too, I especially liked when you talked about your roommate's boyfriend saying hello to people and telling someone else how much he disliked them.  I also thought it really conveyed the severity of your roommate and her boyfriend's fights when you likend them to boxing matches. 

My major criticism of your essay would be the tone of it.  For most of the essay it feels like you're shouting and there are some places where it just feels like you're ranting.  It all kinda combines to make your essay seem very condescending and while I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with you, I feel like the tone of your essay sort of defeats your purpose because it's written in a way that makes you appear as judgmental and as any sorority girl.  I also felt like your title didn't really have that much to do with anything beyond your introduction and maybe when you worked in your genes at the end.  I think maybe if you would make your essay less angry and more a sad story of watching a friend's life gone wrong it would be a lot more powerful and connectable.  Maybe you could work in some more information about your fiance and things that he does that are kind to serve as a foil for your roommate's boyfriend. 

You did a great job!